Best Tweets of 2010

I’ve been going back through a bunch of my randomness on various social media and collecting a few ‘best of’. Here’s my best tweets of 2010.

1/10
Whenever you say “I’ll try”, what you’re saying is: “I will accept failure as an option. ”
@angelaSpain as a 10 year anniversary present, your work should provide a liver transplant.
Me: “What color is the sky in your world?!” Sister: “You have a SKY in your world?!?!”
Having a price doesn’t always involve money.

2/10
“For those auditioning for the position of Job in our production of Real Life, the position has been filled. By Me.”
I can’t explain it. Despite all my snobbery, sometimes I just feel the need to tough my way through a really bad cup of coffee.

3/10
Friday afternoon at 2:30 is my long dark teatime of the soul.
@hodgman despite being a renowned author, famous movie star, pundit and mensch, do you ever worry you’ll be remembered as just “PC”?
@JoshShipp it is far more important to learn which project you should say no to. Do what you’re good at, eliminate everything else.

4/10
If I care about what you say, I’ll make it obvious. If I carry a hockey stick to your cube, You . Have. Fucked. Up.
Being a software architect goes far beyond engineering. You have to see the big picture, and understand all the little pictures.
You know that hole in your face? The one you put pie in? Shut it.
Any time I visit a web site and see a port in your url (www.foo.com:80) – your architect has Fucked Up™.
@mraible I thought you could only be a Polyglot in Utah.

5/10
Yearly performance review states I didn’t meet all my goals this year. The offender: “Swear less in meetings.” Fuck. I’ll do better.

7/10
Man, just had a weird experience – had to actually look down to see if I remembered to put pants on today.
The last time I saw Perl, it was wearing a ball-gag and being locked in a trunk by Python.

8/10
Don’t walk anywhere today. Mosey, Meander, Stroll, Hop, Waddle or Slide. #outoftheordinary
Give me your tired, your poor/Your huddled masses, and I’ll open a cooler full of coors light and build a NASCAR track and get rich.
Y’know what people, I’m tired of hearing the term ‘Borderline Alcoholic.’ If you’re not willing to work at being the best, then just quit.

9/10
Dear Every Programmer: Get Familiar with Unicode and Localization, Or I’ll kill your dog. http://bit.ly/1F5eUN
Be like the water. The water ebbs and flows, it does not break. Stab the water, it flows back, unharmed. Then it’ll kill you when you sleep.
I think cover bands, by their nature are not edgy. If they named themselves “Bleeding Wrists” and then played Cuddle Core I might reconsider
Awesome: When the border guard asks you “Have any guns?” You say “No”, your daughter says “You should see all the ones he has at home.”
Changed his relationship status with his church to “It’s Complicated.”

10/10
Those who are content rarely impact the world.
Here’s the biggest tip I can give you: if you want to be treated with even a modicum of respect as a writer, read Strunk & White. #pleaseGod
3d6+2. Thats how I roll.

11/10
@cmedders The problem is you’re not using a synergy on your process, and as such, your infrastructure isn’t deployable into the google.
I truly feel american today – I have just threatened someone with litigation, despite all my other attempts to resolve an issue. :(
Dropped stuff off at UPS, cleaned my desk, guns and workshop, laptops and iPad charging. Ready for a trip… Or the apocalypse.
Had a great dinner last night – Squirrel. Surprisingly AWESOME.
I don’t care what you do – if you do it well and with passion, I will respect you.
I just had a revelation: Dr Phil is actually Jeff Foxworthy with a half-bald wig. Same accent, same mannerisms, same TV Audiences.
I play a game with my wife on a fairly regular basis. It’s called “Don’t Forget The Baby.” She’s winning, 17-16. We don’t speak of why.
I THINK COFFEE HAS LOST IT’S MAGICAL ABILITIES! DEAR GOD, PLEASE, I NEVER ASK YOU FOR ANYTHING EXCEPT STUFF ALOT. PLEASE HELP ME.
Today is the first day of the last part of the third section, 9th subsection, chapter 3 of what is probably the last half of your life.
“We’re off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Jobs. Because because because because because, because of the beautiful things he does
Today’s tip for ‘Being Green’: if you only use one side of the Q-tip, return it to the box so someone else can use the other half.
Let me be honest here: I don’t care if you misunderstand me. That’s *your* problem, not mine.

12/10
Ok, I’ve started my New Years Eve drinking. At Home. By myself. At 7:40am.
Here’s my thought of the day: if you fuck up, for God’s sake, step up. Own your mistake. Learn from it. Try to fix it. #beagrownup.
“Bit twiddling is hard.” – Offshore Software Engineer Barbie
Just remember: Kylar is good, Kylar is wise.
Just found this in my own code: char c = (char) (65 + rand.nextInt(58)); if (c >= 91 && c <= 96) c = 'q';//I like q. I know that God is inside everyone, including me, and I'm pretty sure he really likes coffee, cause he makes me drink it. you know what would have been better than this morning? Disembowelment. "The problem with undereducation in the colonies is that people wrongly believe that anything said on twitter is true." - Queen Victoria If I could be anything i want when I grow up, I want to be..... Intoxicated. Man, let me tell you: A Rubix cube is not the gift to get a kid who's colorblind. #justsayin

IM & Truthiness.

Tom 10:26:17AM “Dear Cisco HR, Today I was offended by two employee’s disgusting public display of affection in an elevator. They were kissing and groping each other in a way that I can only describe as obscene, and I was nauseated and offended to my very core. As a large vendor of Cisco products, I would hope that your company and employees would show more restraint and operate in a business like manner when customers, vendors or other employees are present. I can only say that I’m very disappointed in your company’s lack of professional conduct.”
> cc: John Chambers
bimmergeekca 10:28:03AM umm dude
> who do you think was cupping my ass when i was kissing tanya?
Tom 10:28:34AM Pedro the lunch cart guy.
> He’s been telling you he’s John Chambers for months.
bimmergeekca 10:30:13AM you believe what you want to believe. its what you do. you are immune to fact and reason
Tom 10:32:29AM I like to think of it as being unfettered by truth. You live in a boring world where things have to be logical, factual, reasonable. I have no such constraints. I can be creative, unrestrained by reality and reason. Most things, I don’t need to PROVE they’re true – I KNOW they’re true. it’s called ‘Truthiness’. George W and I have it.
> O’Shea is over here too, btw.
> Join us.
bimmergeekca 10:33:51AM tell him i say hi
Tom 10:34:03AM He already knows.

Oh Man, you should have been there, it was TOTALLY awesome.

I’m on my way to hockey last night (travelling north) and I pull up to a red light. At the cross street on my right (facing west), there’s a cop waiting. The light changes and he starts into the intersection, and then slams on his brakes as a car going south in the other lane of the street I’m on blows through the light right in front of him. Needless to say he made a huge mistake, since the cop flipped on his lights and tore out of the intersection after him. I laughed so hard I could barely see.