This weekend I was driving in SF, I had gone up to get some books from a guy off of craigslist and I was turning onto Oak St to head back to the freeway home. I’m waiting at the red light to turn left, and there was a car that was going down oak st that had tried to turn into a gas station, and hit a bicyclist. I didn’t see the accident, but it looked just like that, an accident. There was a young couple in the car, a beat up Toyota, and the lady on the bike was dressed in expensive clothing, riding a custom bike. Two things happened then, and both of them stuck out at me. The first one was that another car, heading down Oak street had the gall to lay on the horn because the Toyota was blocking the traffic lane. Understand the situation, the bike is still wedged under the front bumper, and the bicyclist is still lying on the ground, and this asshole has the nerve to be upset that someone is holding up traffic. I was appalled. The couple climbs out of their car, slowly, since they can’t see if the door will hit the bicycle or not, and the driver, a man in his late 20’s rushes over to help the woman off the ground, and immediately gives her a hug. An immediate display of love and concern for a person. That struck me and stuck in my mind very very clearly. The man’s companion was standing right next to them, talking and making sure the cyclist had no major injuries. I read Metagrrrl frequently and she often talks about how much she enjoys living in the Castro. Her writings about people she encounters in her daily routines often convey the same feeling to me that this encounter did. That people are not all jerks. That there are some people in the world who still understand that love is an acceptable way to deal with people on a regular basis. There’s a platform I’d like to see on a presidential ballot – to treat others with mercy, love, and kindness.

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it’s not just a little amusing that I’m posting this on Saturday.. I thought all about it on my way into work one day this week, I think Tuesday or Wednesday but of course, I was unable to post it then, due to the huge amount of Entropy in my workplace.

Entropy , in the definition that is applicable in this post, is defined in number 4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.

Usually on my drive or ride to work, I feel great, full of energy, and generating lots of ideas. I’m ready to take on the world, right wrongs, fix problems, and design things that will change the way people use computers! But as I exit my car and walk towards my building, I feel like it just fades away.. slowly, then quicker and quicker the closer I get to my depression pod (qu’-by-cal). By the time I’m seated in my grey-walled mental prison I have lost not only my energy, but my creativity, desire to work, and even a little of my sense of self. My workplace does an excellent job of trying to make everyone fit into a specific mold.

I am something of a.. rogue agent, in that I don’t immediately conform. I have ripped apart my cubicle, moved the in place desks, shelves, etc. I now have a two tiered desk along one wall, a small corner table on the other wall, a roof, and even a partial door. I also am kind of pegged as… well, not a troublemaker, but definately someone to watch. More often than not, I am the only one who’s willing to speak up in meetings and bring attention to things that are going wrong, or things that are bothering me. And I know that if it’s something that bothers me, it probably bothers other people, but since most of the people on my team are Indian or Chinese, they often don’t speak up to management, or if they do, they only do it in a one-on-one scenario.

Back to my dreaded lack of interest. I’m a kick-ass engineer (and modest too, as is apparent.) But I am not really a self starter. I lack the motivation to keep doing stuff unless I have a deadline. I guess that’s why my own projects don’t go anywhere :). So at work, when I do get motivated to work, I churn stuff out at a much faster rate than the rest of my team. But the downside is then I have a lot of time at work when I’m not really doing anything… I just slack.. sometimes for days or weeks. The last two projects I worked on, I was assigned stuff by the team lead, and did all the work (1-2 weeks worth, supposedly) in less than a day. Then I’d go back and say “Hey, you overestimated this, and I’m done.” only to get back a reply like.. “Oh, Ok, then just hang out, and be available if I need you.” Pthhpt.

Anyways, losing my train of thought again.

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Last night at band practice (I play in two bands, a cover band that does 80’s and 90’s stuff and my church band) I was talking about some shirts that I ordered from thinkgeek and how geeky they were. I ordered one about binary people (There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.) And I as I said that, our sound guy, Ed, was rocking with laughter at the back of the room. And Matt, the singer stared at me and said “I don’t get it”. A classic example :) I love being a geek, and I love the refined sense of humour that goes with it.

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I work at Netscreen Technologies, or at least I do for another couple weeks. If you’re not into technology, the tech sector, or you live in a bubble (no, not the internet bubble) – We were ‘acquired’ by Juniper Networks last monday. I got up monday morning, fired up the laptop and got my coffee. then I logged into Yahoo and looked over the stocks I monitor, and NSCN, stuck in the middle there showed a trailing +9.53. “Great,” I thought, “Yahoo’s ticker is fucked.” So I click over and see the story, and I’m shocked. So I go back and look again.. +9.73… And I recover from my shock and let out a shriek. I run into the bathroom, disturbing my wife in the shower, and tell her the news. Then I check my e-mail and realize I now have an all hands meeting in a little over an hour, and since I live 18 miles from work I may not get there. But I rush and make it and everyone is jumping up and down and wearing big, shit-eating grins. Then we have our all hands meeting, and I realize that I could have missed it, since it was mostly a bunch of cheerleading by the two CEO’s.

Nothing really gets done that day (big surprise). We have a lot of talking in the halls about the changes that are going to be made. I work in Network Management, which basically means I’m a bit of a grunt-level code monkey. Which is kinda hard on me, and sad, because at my two previous jobs I was a lot more into design and architecture as opposed to straight implementation. But Juniper doesn’t have a good network management platform, so that may make me pretty secure after the merger. People who are in IT and Ops, common ground for layoffs after a merger are probably not feeling so good.

Nonetheless, everyone fears change, and I’m no different. I am curious and not just a little scared about our future. The first time I got laid off (well, the company folded, whatever.) I wasn’t too worried. I could get by for a few weeks and found another job fairly quickly. My wife was still working, we were newly married and didn’t have a lot of responsibilities, except to each other. The second time, my wife was pregnant, and due to health concerns had left her job. So now we were without money, without a job, and had more responsibilities. This time, although I haven’t gotten laid off, I am much more concerned about my situations. I still have the pregnant wife, but I also have a two year old and a mortgage, and that is a lot of weight for one person to carry. Well, totally lost my chain of thought here, so I’ll just leave it hanging.

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I’m back from my 8-day pseudo-vacation to Canuckland. The Great White North. America-Lite. Had 8 days (and four flights) with my 2 year old. And anyone who has never chased a 2 year old for 8 days hasn’t lived. My Parents celebrated their 30th Wedding anniversary with our family and friends, and a good time was had. Now to my e-mails *shudder*.

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