it’s not just a little amusing that I’m posting this on Saturday.. I thought all about it on my way into work one day this week, I think Tuesday or Wednesday but of course, I was unable to post it then, due to the huge amount of Entropy in my workplace.

Entropy , in the definition that is applicable in this post, is defined in number 4. The tendency for all matter and energy in the universe to evolve toward a state of inert uniformity.

Usually on my drive or ride to work, I feel great, full of energy, and generating lots of ideas. I’m ready to take on the world, right wrongs, fix problems, and design things that will change the way people use computers! But as I exit my car and walk towards my building, I feel like it just fades away.. slowly, then quicker and quicker the closer I get to my depression pod (qu’-by-cal). By the time I’m seated in my grey-walled mental prison I have lost not only my energy, but my creativity, desire to work, and even a little of my sense of self. My workplace does an excellent job of trying to make everyone fit into a specific mold.

I am something of a.. rogue agent, in that I don’t immediately conform. I have ripped apart my cubicle, moved the in place desks, shelves, etc. I now have a two tiered desk along one wall, a small corner table on the other wall, a roof, and even a partial door. I also am kind of pegged as… well, not a troublemaker, but definately someone to watch. More often than not, I am the only one who’s willing to speak up in meetings and bring attention to things that are going wrong, or things that are bothering me. And I know that if it’s something that bothers me, it probably bothers other people, but since most of the people on my team are Indian or Chinese, they often don’t speak up to management, or if they do, they only do it in a one-on-one scenario.

Back to my dreaded lack of interest. I’m a kick-ass engineer (and modest too, as is apparent.) But I am not really a self starter. I lack the motivation to keep doing stuff unless I have a deadline. I guess that’s why my own projects don’t go anywhere :). So at work, when I do get motivated to work, I churn stuff out at a much faster rate than the rest of my team. But the downside is then I have a lot of time at work when I’m not really doing anything… I just slack.. sometimes for days or weeks. The last two projects I worked on, I was assigned stuff by the team lead, and did all the work (1-2 weeks worth, supposedly) in less than a day. Then I’d go back and say “Hey, you overestimated this, and I’m done.” only to get back a reply like.. “Oh, Ok, then just hang out, and be available if I need you.” Pthhpt.

Anyways, losing my train of thought again.

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Last night at band practice (I play in two bands, a cover band that does 80’s and 90’s stuff and my church band) I was talking about some shirts that I ordered from thinkgeek and how geeky they were. I ordered one about binary people (There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary, and those who don’t.) And I as I said that, our sound guy, Ed, was rocking with laughter at the back of the room. And Matt, the singer stared at me and said “I don’t get it”. A classic example :) I love being a geek, and I love the refined sense of humour that goes with it.

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I work at Netscreen Technologies, or at least I do for another couple weeks. If you’re not into technology, the tech sector, or you live in a bubble (no, not the internet bubble) – We were ‘acquired’ by Juniper Networks last monday. I got up monday morning, fired up the laptop and got my coffee. then I logged into Yahoo and looked over the stocks I monitor, and NSCN, stuck in the middle there showed a trailing +9.53. “Great,” I thought, “Yahoo’s ticker is fucked.” So I click over and see the story, and I’m shocked. So I go back and look again.. +9.73… And I recover from my shock and let out a shriek. I run into the bathroom, disturbing my wife in the shower, and tell her the news. Then I check my e-mail and realize I now have an all hands meeting in a little over an hour, and since I live 18 miles from work I may not get there. But I rush and make it and everyone is jumping up and down and wearing big, shit-eating grins. Then we have our all hands meeting, and I realize that I could have missed it, since it was mostly a bunch of cheerleading by the two CEO’s.

Nothing really gets done that day (big surprise). We have a lot of talking in the halls about the changes that are going to be made. I work in Network Management, which basically means I’m a bit of a grunt-level code monkey. Which is kinda hard on me, and sad, because at my two previous jobs I was a lot more into design and architecture as opposed to straight implementation. But Juniper doesn’t have a good network management platform, so that may make me pretty secure after the merger. People who are in IT and Ops, common ground for layoffs after a merger are probably not feeling so good.

Nonetheless, everyone fears change, and I’m no different. I am curious and not just a little scared about our future. The first time I got laid off (well, the company folded, whatever.) I wasn’t too worried. I could get by for a few weeks and found another job fairly quickly. My wife was still working, we were newly married and didn’t have a lot of responsibilities, except to each other. The second time, my wife was pregnant, and due to health concerns had left her job. So now we were without money, without a job, and had more responsibilities. This time, although I haven’t gotten laid off, I am much more concerned about my situations. I still have the pregnant wife, but I also have a two year old and a mortgage, and that is a lot of weight for one person to carry. Well, totally lost my chain of thought here, so I’ll just leave it hanging.

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I’m back from my 8-day pseudo-vacation to Canuckland. The Great White North. America-Lite. Had 8 days (and four flights) with my 2 year old. And anyone who has never chased a 2 year old for 8 days hasn’t lived. My Parents celebrated their 30th Wedding anniversary with our family and friends, and a good time was had. Now to my e-mails *shudder*.

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I was listening to the radio on my way into work, and had music on, which is rare for me in the mornings, since I listen to a ‘morning show’ – but I had a great mix cd that I made on and in every song there were awesome lyrics, ones that just caught me, struck me and made me wish that I could weave words in the same way that people draw or put together notes. Here’s some of the lyric excerpts that are some faves. If you’re bored, you can try to identify the songs & artists (No web searching, CHEATER!)

‘and the words of the prophets are written on the subway walls, and tenement halls’

‘Did you laugh at all when the people walked right by and said aloud, “You gutter punks are all the same.”‘

‘If you want to kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel (on your knees, boy!)’

‘it’s the terror of knowing what this world is about’

‘If I die before I learn to speak, can money pay for all the days I lived awake but half asleep’

‘I stopped by the bar at 3 am To seek solace in a bottle, or possibly a friend’

‘Underneath the chilly grey november sky, We can make believe.. that kennedy is still alive’

Peace out y’all…

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