i’ve had a couple topics that i’ve been wanting to write on for a while, and haven’t gotten around to them. i keep a little list of reminders of stuff that i wanted to write about on my blog, right over there, under ‘reminders’ :p. there’s a few there that i thought about and wanted to write about but for some reason when i start, i don’t feel like i’m really saying what i want to say. sometimes i’m pretty critical of my own work, and if it sounds lame i’ll just kill it without saving it for a future edit. sometimes that’s good, because then i get a fresh view and a fresh start when i attack it again, but occasionally i’ll re-write something and feel like i did it better the first time, and wish i’d saved it somewhere. i’m also trying to post stuff that’s more off the cuff, not worrying about if i’ve said it exactly right, not editing it, just typing and going. i think that’s partly why i don’t post as much as i could, or should. sometimes i don’t feel like i’m inspired to say anything, or worse, i feel like i should say something, but i don’t know what, or how. so then that leaves me frustrated and feeling kind of helpless. like i’m being held hostage by my own subconscious because it has it’s own agenda, and for some reason, it doesn’t want to share that agenda with my conscious mind. a little more twisted than the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, i guess. i just hope that my subconscious doesn’t want me to kill people, or get fired from my job (although sometimes i show a startling inclination in that direction. maybe subconsciously i really hate my job (consciously i *definately* do), but i’m too much of a wimp to do something about it. so then my subconscious takes over and starts pushing me in the direction of getting fired, since i don’t have the balls to find another job, or quit. now that i’m thinking about this, i’m being pretty materialistic, since guess my biggest motivation is to stay here till my stock is all vested. on the other hand, i do have a family to support, cars and a house to pay for, etc. i guess it’s a slippery slope and i’m kind of scrambling for a hold before i fall. *sigh*

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it’s wednesday morning, and i’ve been back in the bay area since sunday night but have been to relaxed and carefree to blog, or work, or really do anything. i spent 4 days camping at sinkyone wilderness park in nornorcal. (the bay area is technically in northern cali, but sinkyone is in *north* north cali. it’s a great place, in the middle of nowhere. not many people, and we camp right on the beach. in the lee of a cliff, about 200 feet from the ocean. i sat, i played cards, i read. i slept (a lot) and generally recharged all my batteries. i was inducted into a very strange group, known publicly as the tribal pinocchios. my wife is considering joining their women’s auxiliary group, and all seems right with the world. then this morning, i surf over to geekychick and read this and my whole morning just about crumbles. i’ve lost 2 aunts, an uncle and almost lost my father to cancer in the last 10 years, and i know all too well what she’s going through. i read something a long long time ago, that said “a whole is that which has a beginning, a middle, and an end.” and for some reason i took a great deal of comfort in that. i don’t know if it will provide any comfort to any of my non-existant readers, but if not, i’m sorry. and courtney, i’ll pray for you & for joe.

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i have been a bit off on my blogging for a while, (ok, forever) but i have been struggling with a lot lately, i’ve been really tired, haven’t been feeling good, work, etc etc. no excuses though, because life is too short to make excuses. i’ve picked up some books and i’m seriously looking forward to reading them. fast food nation (i finally found it at the used book store), american gods by neil gaiman (after i read a review on ego ego ego and on the road by jack kerouac – i gave it my two page test when i wasn’t sure – i read the first two pages in the bookstore – then a dozen more before i could stop. that’s a check. i enjoy ginsberg’s poetry and figured that i’d start with the book that supposedly inspired the whole beat culture. i’m going camping tonight, leaving late and driving. the site is somewhere in northern california where 101 and highway 1 meet, near the ocean. i’ve never been, but some of my friends have been making this a yearly trek for 10+ years, so it’s kinda cool. 4 days on the beach, nothing to do but read, talk, play cards, and possibly (possibly) consume some alcohol. anyways, i gotta go get stuff done.

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