ok i’m on the train *to* work this time and i’m feeling a bit more inspired to write. it’s amazing how a little change of pace, and some relaxation time can juice the brain into action. this is another one of those topics that i’ve wanted to write about for a while. when i say personal seasons, that has a lot of connotations to me, and this whole idea rose out of a great conversation i had with my mom. i was thinking about how i used to hear that people were most like a particular season, and that influenced the clothes and colors they liked. like if you’re a ‘summer’, you like lots of bright colors, yellows etc, and ‘winters’ liked cold greens & blues. then after thinking about that for a while, it dawned on me that if it’s true, then that must be a much bigger reflection on your personality than just influencing your color preferences. does this mean that if you’re a ‘winter’ that you’re more cynical? harsher? does a ‘spring’ always have hope, looking forward to what’s coming up? or do people go through cycles in their own lives, like the cycle of the seasons, do people who are in mourning or sadness or depression in a winter mood, cold and dark, but with the possibility of a spring (however far away that may be) looming somewhere in the (possibly distant) future? after some of these ideas floating through my head i started to think about what season, and time of the year i enjoy most, not because of any mental connotations, or relation to my personal psyche, but what time of the year i really enjoy. and i came to the conclusion that the season i really enjoy most is fall. not fall in a california sense, though. fall in a midwestern sense, when it’s warm during the day, and a tinge of winter at night, and in the morning. when the leaves turn colors and flood your lawn with a subtle, umber choked rainbow. rainstorms that carry piles of leaves along a slick curbside torrent, only to pile up on the rusty storm gratings at the corner. the smell of ozone and wetness in the air, washing off the heat and dirt and dust of summer, leaving a sad, wistful scent in the air, and knowing that summer has passed for another year. it’s something that i miss terribly. i guess i really am a ‘fall’ person at heart, (and possibly in my psyche – only deep regression therapy can tell me if it’s so :) – guess i better go buy some brown shirts.

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i’ve had a couple topics that i’ve been wanting to write on for a while, and haven’t gotten around to them. i keep a little list of reminders of stuff that i wanted to write about on my blog, right over there, under ‘reminders’ :p. there’s a few there that i thought about and wanted to write about but for some reason when i start, i don’t feel like i’m really saying what i want to say. sometimes i’m pretty critical of my own work, and if it sounds lame i’ll just kill it without saving it for a future edit. sometimes that’s good, because then i get a fresh view and a fresh start when i attack it again, but occasionally i’ll re-write something and feel like i did it better the first time, and wish i’d saved it somewhere. i’m also trying to post stuff that’s more off the cuff, not worrying about if i’ve said it exactly right, not editing it, just typing and going. i think that’s partly why i don’t post as much as i could, or should. sometimes i don’t feel like i’m inspired to say anything, or worse, i feel like i should say something, but i don’t know what, or how. so then that leaves me frustrated and feeling kind of helpless. like i’m being held hostage by my own subconscious because it has it’s own agenda, and for some reason, it doesn’t want to share that agenda with my conscious mind. a little more twisted than the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, i guess. i just hope that my subconscious doesn’t want me to kill people, or get fired from my job (although sometimes i show a startling inclination in that direction. maybe subconsciously i really hate my job (consciously i *definately* do), but i’m too much of a wimp to do something about it. so then my subconscious takes over and starts pushing me in the direction of getting fired, since i don’t have the balls to find another job, or quit. now that i’m thinking about this, i’m being pretty materialistic, since guess my biggest motivation is to stay here till my stock is all vested. on the other hand, i do have a family to support, cars and a house to pay for, etc. i guess it’s a slippery slope and i’m kind of scrambling for a hold before i fall. *sigh*

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it’s wednesday morning, and i’ve been back in the bay area since sunday night but have been to relaxed and carefree to blog, or work, or really do anything. i spent 4 days camping at sinkyone wilderness park in nornorcal. (the bay area is technically in northern cali, but sinkyone is in *north* north cali. it’s a great place, in the middle of nowhere. not many people, and we camp right on the beach. in the lee of a cliff, about 200 feet from the ocean. i sat, i played cards, i read. i slept (a lot) and generally recharged all my batteries. i was inducted into a very strange group, known publicly as the tribal pinocchios. my wife is considering joining their women’s auxiliary group, and all seems right with the world. then this morning, i surf over to geekychick and read this and my whole morning just about crumbles. i’ve lost 2 aunts, an uncle and almost lost my father to cancer in the last 10 years, and i know all too well what she’s going through. i read something a long long time ago, that said “a whole is that which has a beginning, a middle, and an end.” and for some reason i took a great deal of comfort in that. i don’t know if it will provide any comfort to any of my non-existant readers, but if not, i’m sorry. and courtney, i’ll pray for you & for joe.

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i have been a bit off on my blogging for a while, (ok, forever) but i have been struggling with a lot lately, i’ve been really tired, haven’t been feeling good, work, etc etc. no excuses though, because life is too short to make excuses. i’ve picked up some books and i’m seriously looking forward to reading them. fast food nation (i finally found it at the used book store), american gods by neil gaiman (after i read a review on ego ego ego and on the road by jack kerouac – i gave it my two page test when i wasn’t sure – i read the first two pages in the bookstore – then a dozen more before i could stop. that’s a check. i enjoy ginsberg’s poetry and figured that i’d start with the book that supposedly inspired the whole beat culture. i’m going camping tonight, leaving late and driving. the site is somewhere in northern california where 101 and highway 1 meet, near the ocean. i’ve never been, but some of my friends have been making this a yearly trek for 10+ years, so it’s kinda cool. 4 days on the beach, nothing to do but read, talk, play cards, and possibly (possibly) consume some alcohol. anyways, i gotta go get stuff done.

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i thought i’d try one of these blog-in-a-can muses and see what comes of it.. so without further ado, monday’s mission:

1. have you ever had, or known someone who has had, a “mid-life crisis?” what happened? is there such a thing or is it just an excuse?

– i remeber when i was in grade 8, a teacher in my school, mrs somethingorother’s husband left her, and bought a porsche. at the time i didn’t know it, but that figures out to be a mlc. my opinion is that it’s just an excuse, someone gets bored with their life and decides to change radically, and in the end doesn’t get any better (and often worse) in their situation.

2. have you ever had a dream so vivid, that you woke up with certain emotions towards a person for what happened in your dream, even though they didn’t do a thing to deserve it in real life? what did you feel and and what was the dream?

– i don’t remember my dreams very often, and when i do, i forget them within a few minutes of awakening. although in college, a friend of mine once walked in and slugged me in the shoulder for something i had done in *his* dream.

3. i think everyone is creative in some way or other. some people draw, some play music, some write, some cook, some build or sew. how do you express your creativity? have you ever made money from it?

– i try to write, but don’t succeed very well. i also play guitar and do that passingly well, i’ve been playing professionally (well – bar bands and busking) since i was around 17 or so.

4. speaking of creativity, i display some of my artwork on my website. it is there for everyone to view, but if i learned it was stolen and used commercially without my permission or being paid, i would be furious. has anything you created ever been stolen? how did you handle it?

– i haven’t ever had that happen, but i think i’d be angry a bit at first, then shrug it off as a cool thing. anytime i did something that was good enough for someone else to steal, that would be really cool. also, i really believe that information (art & music included) should be free. if we had the choice, i’d pay for things that i really use and want to, not have to.

5. i imagine the question above is similar to what the music industry is going through with file sharing. do you think downloading music via file sharing is “stealing?” is taking songs without paying for them any different than someone taking your work without your permission?

– no, it’s not any different, but that’s the thing.. i’d probably be ok with it in the long run, as long as it was reciprocated. if someone wants my stuff, they can have it for free, just give me credit for it.

6. how do you feel about the riaa targeting everyone (parents, teenagers, grandparents) who share songs over the internet with expensive lawsuits? should they be selective in who they subpoena, or should all who violate copyrights be treated equally? or are they going too far? should the music be free?

– since i don’t want to swear too much, i won’t get started on the riaa and how imbecilic, insipid and idiotic their whole approach is. in the long run, all they are going to do is piss off a ton of people.

7. on the same thought, what do you think pay-per-song concepts such as imusic and buymusic.com? will they succeed? is this the solution? if not, what is?

– i think they are fantastic. if i have the choice to buy only what i want, then i will. they will succeed, and metamorph. i don’t know if it’s *the* solution necessarily, but they are a step in the right direction. now if we can get around the limitations that even they have…..

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