i’ve had a couple topics that i’ve been wanting to write on for a while, and haven’t gotten around to them. i keep a little list of reminders of stuff that i wanted to write about on my blog, right over there, under ‘reminders’ :p. there’s a few there that i thought about and wanted to write about but for some reason when i start, i don’t feel like i’m really saying what i want to say. sometimes i’m pretty critical of my own work, and if it sounds lame i’ll just kill it without saving it for a future edit. sometimes that’s good, because then i get a fresh view and a fresh start when i attack it again, but occasionally i’ll re-write something and feel like i did it better the first time, and wish i’d saved it somewhere. i’m also trying to post stuff that’s more off the cuff, not worrying about if i’ve said it exactly right, not editing it, just typing and going. i think that’s partly why i don’t post as much as i could, or should. sometimes i don’t feel like i’m inspired to say anything, or worse, i feel like i should say something, but i don’t know what, or how. so then that leaves me frustrated and feeling kind of helpless. like i’m being held hostage by my own subconscious because it has it’s own agenda, and for some reason, it doesn’t want to share that agenda with my conscious mind. a little more twisted than the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing, i guess. i just hope that my subconscious doesn’t want me to kill people, or get fired from my job (although sometimes i show a startling inclination in that direction. maybe subconsciously i really hate my job (consciously i *definately* do), but i’m too much of a wimp to do something about it. so then my subconscious takes over and starts pushing me in the direction of getting fired, since i don’t have the balls to find another job, or quit. now that i’m thinking about this, i’m being pretty materialistic, since guess my biggest motivation is to stay here till my stock is all vested. on the other hand, i do have a family to support, cars and a house to pay for, etc. i guess it’s a slippery slope and i’m kind of scrambling for a hold before i fall. *sigh*

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