Well, yesterday Christian got out of the hospital… for those who didn’t know, he had a bowel obstruction, and we still don’t know if it’s related to the surgery or not. He’s home and eating and much better though.

On my way to work, I passed “The Container Store” and was struck by how insane that is. A store that sells containers. That’s it. It reminded me of the Weird Al movie UHF, where there was an ad for “Spatula City.” What’s next?

Good evening ladies and gentlemen. My name is Thomas Byrne and as you may have gathered, I am acting as Dale’s best man. However what you probably don’t know is that Dale was the best man at my wedding. I feel it’s only fair to warn you now, that the payback is going to be brutal.

I’d like to take a minute to welcome all the family that has no doubt travelled far to be here tonight, from such exotic locations as Scotland, England, and Ohio. I have a special greeting to Dale’s Mom and Dad, who in my youth, disabused me of the notion that Scotty from Star Trek was difficult to understand. I have had many conversations in passing with John and Granny, and to this date, I have yet to understand a single word spoken to me, although, to be fair, I don’t think Scotty ever said “Away and Bile yer head!”

As the best man, I realized that there would be a wealth of both duties and responsibilites – and thus I liken the position to making love to the queen – it’s a great honor, but no-one really wants to do it. Nonetheless, I was honored, and spent a lot of time asking questions – What would be expected? Would I have to give a speech? Was there any way I could subtly avoid any responsibilities, whilst still garnering an invitation to consume lots of free booze? In the end, the risk of spending a Saturday night sober was simply too great, and I accepted.

I spent some time thinking of different times we spent together, things we did, and of the notes that I wasn’t required to turn over to the RCMP, I found a few that I thought I would share. Now, I’m sure you realize that this is the pivotal point in the speech where I’m supposed to, in good taste, put the groom down. So, minus the good taste, here we go.

I met Dale in high school, and realizing last week that we have known each other for nearly 18 years, I had proceeded to have a panic attack. Dale was someone I met early on in Grade 9, and as our highschool years brought us closer as friends, he grew into someone that I truly admired, and wanted to be like, more and more, at least until Sheila took the initiative and kicked me out of his room, stating flatly: “Go Home, You’re Not Mine.” We had lots of good times together – he working at the House of Shalom, Working at Boblo, Working at SKD, me working at emptying his mother’s drink fridge while he was out. We had a band that was always “just about to take off”. We shared our free time, we worked together, we relaxed together, we watched TV together, and frequently, he would let me beat him at Scrabble.

My history with Dale puts me in a very unique position to state that nowhere have I met a man who is more stubborn or argumentative . In all honesty, Dale is a man with very few faults, but I have always found him willing to make the most of the ones he has. However, as Tina must have seen something in him, I am also forced to reveal that he is kind, loyal, honest, and possibly the worst joke teller on the face of the earth, and if you don’t believe me, ask him to tell you the clown joke.

I will admit that my history with the bride is somewhat shorter, consisting mainly of the rehearsal dinner and a hurried lunch spent at a seedy local pub.

Nonetheless, having spoken with her in emails and in person, I feel confident in relating the many fine qualities that Dale has kindly jotted down on the back of this cocktail napkin. In my short time with her, I have found Tina to be sweet, loving, industrious, and she clearly, loves a challenge.

Their relationship has progressed to this point over several years, and I must say that I am extremely proud to be standing up here and wishing them all the best. So right now I’d like you to raise your glasses to Dale and Tina, and join me in wishing them a long and glorious married life. May you know nothing but Happiness from this day forward.

Now as I close I have one piece of advice for each of the happy couple based on my years of married experience. Tina gets the first one: Let him have the remote control. It’s a simple thing that will make him happy. Dale: I’ll be honest here, I got nothing. I’ve been married for 6 years and I’ve yet to figure out the first thing about how women think. You got her to say yes though, so you’re doing something right!

Lastly, I found a short poem that I would like to leave you with.
May joy and peace surround you both,
Contentment latch your door,
May happiness be with you now;
God bless you evermore.