Why does church have to be SO FUCKING HARD

Posted on by kylar

Here’s an excerpt of a conversation with my friend Jon that I had this morning.

Me: and *then*
Jon : and *then*
Me: God hit me with something else
Which, as an aside, really frustrates me sometimes
Kelly & I have been going back and forth about staying at the journey, etc
and how does it affect the kids, us, blah blah
And I had a realization: That if God *does* keep us at the journey, for WHATEVER reason, that I can’t just sit by and ‘attend’. I have to put enough faith in God that he’s got me here for a reason, and that it’s easy to be a servant, with a servant’s heart when you love or are passionate about the person (or church) that you’re serving, but he calls us (and, unfortunately, that includes me) to serve him and his church EVEN WHEN I’m disgruntled and upset and don’t want to. That I need to get over my pride and serve in the place he brings me, inside the restrictions, despite all the issues and people and frustrations and anger, because otherwise I’m saying that I don’t have enough faith in Him and his plan. I can’t just glide by
Jon:
Me: So.. that’s where I’m at. I’m asking God to let me know where I should be
and to soften my heart enough to serve there, no matter what goes on
Jon: wow
?
Jon: humility SUCKS
Jon: Saint Francis, BITE ME
Me: *sigh*
I feel like God’s really tearing me down
like I had all this hope about what the journey ‘might’ be and that was all mixed up with what *I* wanted and thought a church should be
Jon: oh yes
Me: and when that didn’t materialize, some of that turned into pride, and anger, and then ‘righeousness’
Jon: especially with the relaunch
Me: Exactly
like “THIS ISN’T WHAT GOD WANTS”
but that was coming from my own ideas of what *I* wanted church to be
and He’s trying to tell me: “Tom, I want YOU to serve others. Not push people into serving others. Not push people to change. You. Get down on your knees and wash some feet.”
And…. I don’t know if I can
?
Jon: sucketh, but what you just wrote is beautiful

History…

Posted on by kylar

Here’s an interesting thing:

I joined Netscreen in 2000. they were pre-ipo, per-share price was $5.00.
They were acquired by Juniper, at 1.404 shares per, reducing the ‘per-share’ price to $3.57/share.
When I left, they were at $25.67, an increase of 719%.
A year after I left, the stock was at 16.95, a decrease of 35%.

I joined Packeteer, per-share price of 11.77. I left after a year, when the price was 11.81. Not much change. A year later, however: 9.67, a decrease of 18%.

I then joined Apple, Stock price then: $57.20.

Current Price: 106.93.

I think that it’s pretty clear that I have some kind of amazing company karma. Any company who needs to have my company Karma work for them, feel free to let me know. I figure I’ve increased Apple’s market share by several hundred million dollars, so make sure you factor that into your offer.

Church and Solitude.

Posted on by kylar

Yesterday in church, we started a really cool series called Detox – it’s about solitude and cleaning out your soul. Part of the message involved a 5 minute silent time, a time of meditation. It was really cool, and I remained in my seat, just looking at this series of candles. There were 3 candles on a triple holder and another, 4th one slightly behind and to my right. After service I took a picture and I’ll post it if I can.
But the thing that I found interesting was that all four candles were burnt in different amounts. The triple holder had 2 on each side that were partially burnt down inside, and the one in the raised center was burnt down almost all the way, with maybe an inch or so of wax left. The two outside ones had burned down in the center, so you couldn’t see the flame, only the light glow, through thick candle walls. The one on top had burned down almost all the way, and was nearly flat. You could also clearly see the flame. I was thinking about how when people decide to follow Christ, it’s like starting a flame burning inside them – and the longer, or more fierce the flame burns, the more of your walls and old self gets burned away – and once enough of it is gone, then the world can see that flame burning inside you.

Then I was struck with some other thoughts. There was a group of 3 candles who were on the same stand and all burning at different paces. Then, there was a single candle on the right and back a bit on it’s own stand – but that candle hadn’t burned down as far. That got me to thinking of whether being with other Christ-followers helps your flame to get better and bigger? Does being with others help you learn and live more fully in Christ?

Then I realized something. The candle that was on it’s own hadn’t burned down anywhere near as far as the other 3, but occasionally, you could still see the flame. I’ve heard from different people that often, when someone becomes a christ-follower, it inspires them, and they become (excuse the cliche)’On Fire’ for God. They are full of passion in their belief. This candle seemed to represent someone who was new to Christ but so full of belief and love and emotion that it still showed to people. Would their flame burn down inside and start working from within? would it get smaller until it had burned down the walls? Would it become invisible except for an almost unnoticeable glow until Jesus had done his work?

Lastly, I was struck by this thought, and it was possibly most like my own personal situation. What if I walked up there and blew out one of the candles? The candle would remain there, partially illuminated by the other candles near it, but not burning or progressing itself. The walls of the candle would stay the same. More importantly, the candle would still exist and contain the POTENTIAL to burn. All it takes is a spark or flame for it to continue it’s burn. If one candle near it suddenly flared up, it could potentially ignite it, or if someone picked up one of the other candles and held it close, it would reignite.

Right now I feel like that. I’m not ‘on fire’ with passion like I have been in the past. I feel like I’m drifting, and seeking. I know that the potential still exists within me, but I don’t feel like God is shaping me right now. I wonder among us, what kinds of things are like that slight breath, the lightest wind that can blow the flame out, until something comes along and sparks it again?

Has anybody got a match?

Kurt Vonnegut

Posted on by kylar

When I was in Grade 12, I took an english speaking class. In high school, you had to take 5 english credits to graduate, so my ‘extra’ class had to be english writing or a ‘public speaking’ class. Every week for 20 weeks we had to write a one page speech and say it in front of the class. We also did stuff like a book report etc. Our novel study was on Flowers for Algernon and my friend Goat and I did it ‘together’ – while plagarism could be used here, we actually both worked on the whole thing together and turned it in seperately. We got busted, but since neither of us had actually copied it from the other, they couldn’t give us the standard punishment. We ended up having to do an individual novel study each, with different books. The book that I got was The Sirens of Titan by Kurt Vonnegut I found it unbelievably profound. I think it was the first time (since reading I Had Trouble In Getting To Solla Sollew) that I was really amazed by a book. It’s a series of stories about different people in different phases of their life. A soldier, A disabled man, etc, and at the end I finally realized that they were all about the same man, and it was like I had been struck by an idea (a 1.21 Gigawatt idea!). It was one of the most moving literary moments of my life. So today, I take a moment and remember the gift that Kurt Vonnegut gave me.

Later…
OK I went and read the summary of this book from Wikipedia and It’s nothing like what I remember. All that stuff is still true.. I just don’t know what book I’m thinking about.

Lord Stanley’s Cup

Posted on by kylar

Conversation at Stanley’s last night, with Christian:

Me: Do we touch the Stanley Cup?
Him: Noooooooooooo.
Me: Until?
Him: Until I win it.
Me: Gooooooood.

A note: I didn’t touch it either. The Stanley Cup, for those unaware, is the highest honor that a hockey team can win. Superstition/Tradition is such that you don’t touch the cup unless you win it. Not ‘your team’, you. As some part of an organiziation (not a fan) that wins the Cup. It was really amazing to see up close. Kelly asked about it and why *I* didn’t touch it, and I couldn’t adequately explain.. it somehow diminishes what the cup stands for if I touch and grab it. I don’t begrudge anyone their choice to touch or hold it or whatever.. but as for me, I just choose not to.

The weird thing is that then last night, I had a dream about the Cup. I was hanging around in Stanley’s late, nearly closing time, with my ‘usual’ hockey friends – Jim, Cap and Teach. The cup was there, and we were just talking with Phil Pritchard (Keeper of the Cup). I asked him if I could take another picture (the throngs had left, and the Cup was over on a table). He said sure, and I went over, and picked up the Cup and held it above my head, like the players do when they win. I lower it down and kiss it and raise it back up. Then I carefully put it down on the table. My friend Teach goes over and starts to pick it up, but we quickly realize that he’s a bit… inebriated as he staggers under the weight and almost falls. Phil decides that we should stop, and we do.

I wish there was a <dream/> tag.