Why does church have to be SO FUCKING HARD

Posted on by kylar

Here’s an excerpt of a conversation with my friend Jon that I had this morning.

Me: and *then*
Jon : and *then*
Me: God hit me with something else
Which, as an aside, really frustrates me sometimes
Kelly & I have been going back and forth about staying at the journey, etc
and how does it affect the kids, us, blah blah
And I had a realization: That if God *does* keep us at the journey, for WHATEVER reason, that I can’t just sit by and ‘attend’. I have to put enough faith in God that he’s got me here for a reason, and that it’s easy to be a servant, with a servant’s heart when you love or are passionate about the person (or church) that you’re serving, but he calls us (and, unfortunately, that includes me) to serve him and his church EVEN WHEN I’m disgruntled and upset and don’t want to. That I need to get over my pride and serve in the place he brings me, inside the restrictions, despite all the issues and people and frustrations and anger, because otherwise I’m saying that I don’t have enough faith in Him and his plan. I can’t just glide by
Jon:
Me: So.. that’s where I’m at. I’m asking God to let me know where I should be
and to soften my heart enough to serve there, no matter what goes on
Jon: wow
?
Jon: humility SUCKS
Jon: Saint Francis, BITE ME
Me: *sigh*
I feel like God’s really tearing me down
like I had all this hope about what the journey ‘might’ be and that was all mixed up with what *I* wanted and thought a church should be
Jon: oh yes
Me: and when that didn’t materialize, some of that turned into pride, and anger, and then ‘righeousness’
Jon: especially with the relaunch
Me: Exactly
like “THIS ISN’T WHAT GOD WANTS”
but that was coming from my own ideas of what *I* wanted church to be
and He’s trying to tell me: “Tom, I want YOU to serve others. Not push people into serving others. Not push people to change. You. Get down on your knees and wash some feet.”
And…. I don’t know if I can
?
Jon: sucketh, but what you just wrote is beautiful

Dreamin..

Posted on by kylar

I had a dream last night. I was driving through a parking lot in a large SUV, and I saw some pools of water and alligators in the parking lot. I knew that if I ran over them, they’d end up under my feet inside the SUV. I could avoid the jaws and head though, and be OK. So I did. I ran over part of an alligator, carefully avoiding the head. The part of the gator that I ran over appeared under my feet. I didn’t worry about it until I looked down, between my legs and saw something down there moving. When I pulled my legs up, there was part of a snake, the head and a couple feet of the body attached, and it was fully alive and trying to bite me. I kept my legs up, and it bit my pants a couple of times, but didn’t get me.

Recently in church we’ve been talking about margin – and how close do we come to something, do we leave a safe margin? This is somehow a reflection of that, I think. I could have stayed away from the gators, and instead, I tried to get close, and it bit me. The difficult thing is trying to figure out *what* I’m getting to close to. What do I need to widen the margin on?

I just realized

Posted on by kylar

I just realized something about myself. I’m an introvert, almost off the scale on a Meyers-Briggs test, and I rarely get time where I’m not doing something or receiving input. I have a real problem with processing too much input – if I’m overstimulated (as I usually am, between work, wife and kids), I have a hard time sleeping, settling down and relaxing. I just finished getting the kids ready for bed and I was thinking about sitting and reading, and the first thing I thought of was of re-reading the Belgariad. I’ve read it at least a dozen times, probably more, and I read it at least once or twice a year. My realization was that by doing this (re-reading books that I already have read, often multiple times), it’s almost like I’m forcibly depriving myself of stimulation. I’m tuning out the external distractions (sounds, lights, etc), and yet, by reading something I know already, I am not taking in any new information. This gives my brain a chance to process all the other things that it’s been trying to deal with.

I’ve had a really bad week. I came down with a head cold and was going to take off Tuesday (didn’t happen due to work), then I was going to take Wednesday off (again, work…) by Thursday I didn’t even delude myself into thinking I was going to get a sick day. I’ve barely been able to sleep since last friday, so several nights I just ended up sitting up until the middle of the night working, or, tired of tossing and turning, I’ll get out of bed several hours early and do chores or work, or, if my wife isn’t working out that morning, leaving for work early.

By this point, I’m so sleep deprived I’m almost completely numb. I have absolutely no patience, and I’m wound so tight I can feel the tension inside me. I can’t even think of a way that would make me relax, except, maybe, to re-read something comfortable. Or maybe i’ll drink. I’ve heard that can be relaxing.

Church and Solitude.

Posted on by kylar

Yesterday in church, we started a really cool series called Detox – it’s about solitude and cleaning out your soul. Part of the message involved a 5 minute silent time, a time of meditation. It was really cool, and I remained in my seat, just looking at this series of candles. There were 3 candles on a triple holder and another, 4th one slightly behind and to my right. After service I took a picture and I’ll post it if I can.
But the thing that I found interesting was that all four candles were burnt in different amounts. The triple holder had 2 on each side that were partially burnt down inside, and the one in the raised center was burnt down almost all the way, with maybe an inch or so of wax left. The two outside ones had burned down in the center, so you couldn’t see the flame, only the light glow, through thick candle walls. The one on top had burned down almost all the way, and was nearly flat. You could also clearly see the flame. I was thinking about how when people decide to follow Christ, it’s like starting a flame burning inside them – and the longer, or more fierce the flame burns, the more of your walls and old self gets burned away – and once enough of it is gone, then the world can see that flame burning inside you.

Then I was struck with some other thoughts. There was a group of 3 candles who were on the same stand and all burning at different paces. Then, there was a single candle on the right and back a bit on it’s own stand – but that candle hadn’t burned down as far. That got me to thinking of whether being with other Christ-followers helps your flame to get better and bigger? Does being with others help you learn and live more fully in Christ?

Then I realized something. The candle that was on it’s own hadn’t burned down anywhere near as far as the other 3, but occasionally, you could still see the flame. I’ve heard from different people that often, when someone becomes a christ-follower, it inspires them, and they become (excuse the cliche)’On Fire’ for God. They are full of passion in their belief. This candle seemed to represent someone who was new to Christ but so full of belief and love and emotion that it still showed to people. Would their flame burn down inside and start working from within? would it get smaller until it had burned down the walls? Would it become invisible except for an almost unnoticeable glow until Jesus had done his work?

Lastly, I was struck by this thought, and it was possibly most like my own personal situation. What if I walked up there and blew out one of the candles? The candle would remain there, partially illuminated by the other candles near it, but not burning or progressing itself. The walls of the candle would stay the same. More importantly, the candle would still exist and contain the POTENTIAL to burn. All it takes is a spark or flame for it to continue it’s burn. If one candle near it suddenly flared up, it could potentially ignite it, or if someone picked up one of the other candles and held it close, it would reignite.

Right now I feel like that. I’m not ‘on fire’ with passion like I have been in the past. I feel like I’m drifting, and seeking. I know that the potential still exists within me, but I don’t feel like God is shaping me right now. I wonder among us, what kinds of things are like that slight breath, the lightest wind that can blow the flame out, until something comes along and sparks it again?

Has anybody got a match?

3rd Person.

Posted on by kylar

Here is the scenario: Everyone you know has gotten together to pick a famous person to narrate your life in the 3rd person. The person chosen should fit you and your personality. (IE: If you think they pick James Earl Jones, you better be one bad-ass nubian god.)

Who do they pick?