So I’ve gone through this grueling, torturous process to join the worship team at our new church and after I sent a little note saying that the first two weeks of the month are harder for me to schedule, we started a banter about my requirements. An exerpt follows:

Well since you asked. The things in group #1 are MUST haves. Please
make sure that there are at least 3 of the items in group #2. Group #3
is entirely optional, but will go a long way towards keeping me happy.

Group #1 – Must Have:
1. A team of 6 white stallions pulling a white, jade-encrusted Fiat
Spider, to pick me up mornings and practise evenings 33 minutes before
the beginning of said occurance.
2. Dressing room + handlers room + private washroom, all painted in
Behr’s ‘Violent Puce’, with accents in the “Warm Burgundy” range.
3. Cheese And Sausage Tray
4. Placed exactly 3″ from the left edge of my dressing table, I expect
a single plum, floating in rose water, served in a man’s hat.
5. New Converse, size 11, in Charcoal Grey or Hunter Green.

Group #2 – Choose 3 or more.
1. Personal on-call deep tissue or sports masseuse.
2. Plasma TV with NHL Center Ice Package
3. Diet Dr Pepper, chilled to 35 degrees Farenheit, served in a German
Beer Mug, with 36ppt grenadine, mixed.
4. A small American Bulldog, dyed green or purple, named ‘Butch’
5. James Earl Jones to announce my arrival, and walk before me,
narrating my day in the 3rd person.

Group #3 – Entirely Optional:
1. Grace
2. Prayer
3. Encouragement
4. Rocking Out.